i got friends who like me
friends who love me
friends who are sick & tired of me
friends who up & died on me
when i least expected it
or else exactly when i did
had friends who gave up on life
& others desperately clinging to it
get flicked off with cosmic indifference
i’ve had friends give birth & admired it
but couldn’t bring myself to join in
maintained friends through obligation
& cut others off brutally
i got a sliding scale for cruelty the world inflicts
i got friends i took for granted
despite all the good will in the world
friends i couldn’t reach or pushed away
friends i felt just the right amount of
mutual esteem with, occasional miracles!
got friends who are dicks to me
or dicks to everyone but me
i’ve had famous friends
friends who were burdens
& friends with benefits
friends who hurt me who i tried to hurt back
work friends, professional friends
friends i never met in person
friends i was never certain were friends
it’s a loose word like every other word
i felt i could set a boundary to
a habitual linestepper excusing itself
in the eternal combustion of internal belief
i use to steer myself through day to day
i catch feelings, feel all the feels
revise myself, revile them, vow never again!
beg forgiveness & long for love
& do it all over again tomorrow
i know i’m a lousy friend
i hate you half the time
with equal but opposite force
to the degree of passion i feel for you
some friend i am

is a poet who lives in San Francisco, where he also edits books for City Lights, including the Spotlight series. He is the author of several books of poetry, most recently Lovers of Today (Wave 2021), a book of essays called Retrievals (Wave, 2014), and a book of stories, Proses (Wave 2024).